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Off the Deep End

Pat Answers Commuters

By Steve Dunham

This column appeared in the Fredericksburg, VA, Free Lance–Star on Oct. 7, 2007, and is reproduced with permission.

Dear Pat,

My train broke down and the railroad told me to “seek alternate transportation.” I don’t have a car, and I was afraid to hitchhike. The only alternate transportation I could find was, fortunately, a freight train going the same direction. But the railroad police threw me off. Even though I had validated my ticket, I still got a summons to appear in court! Is “catch a train” really “Catch 22”?

(signed) Novice Hobo

Dear Hobo,

I can see that you are making an honest effort to read between the lines. However, you still need some lessons in communication. You need to become an “active listener.” When someone asks how you’re doing, I hope you do not start whining about your difficult commute. What the person is really trying to say is “I do not have time to talk to you right now.”

When the railroad says, “Seek alternate transportation,” it does not mean “Try a different train.” It means “You need to leave now.” If you listen to what people are really saying, you will not get into so much trouble. For example, if your boss says, “So you didn’t feel like showing up until eleven today?” it really means “You’re fired.”

Dear Pat,

The police said I should get out of the way of aggressive drivers. But when I pulled off the road, I couldn’t get back on because the traffic was moving so fast. I gave up and walked the rest of the way to work, but I was two hours late, and the boss said I’d get fired if I was late again.

(signed) Yielding

Dear Yielding,

Your problem is that you are in too much of a hurry. You need to leave home early enough so that you can get to work on time without being in a big rush.

Dear Pat,

On Bike to Work Day, instead of driving, I rode my bicycle into town over the park trail. But when it was time to go home, the park was closed, and I had to ride on a busy highway in the dark. How can I be “green” and ride my bike to work if I can’t take the bike trail to get home?

(signed) Green and Purple and Blue

Dear Bruised,

You need to learn that your rights end at the tip of your nose. Being “green” is not supposed to interfere with driving, so please keep your bicycle off the road. If you want to be a responsible citizen, you should look into “flex time.” Ask your boss if you could work only six hours a day so that you can leave before sundown. Under the popular 7/40 schedule, you could work only four hours on Sunday and six hours all the other days. I admire your efforts to be “green,” but if you are serious about it, you really need to put your “thinking cap” on!

Dear Pat,

Commuting is a grind. The trains break down. There’s almost no safe place to walk or bike. The highways are nothing but tax-subsidized playgrounds for bullies behind the wheel. I joined a vanpool but the boss gets mad when I tell him I can’t stay late. I tried to find a job locally but I can’t support my family on $7.50 an hour.

(signed) Frustrated

Dear Grumps,

Did I ask, “How are you doing?” I did not. So as my fellow advice columnists like to say, listen up, Buster. Life is tough. Get used to it and stop whining. And, if you can read between the lines, my advice to you is “Seek alternate transportation.”

Steve Dunham is an advice columnist writing under the pen name “Pat.”

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